I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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