did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
