Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
