I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
