just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
