You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
