Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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