I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
