I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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