Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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