Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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