I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
