I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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