Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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