Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
