if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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