A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
