My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
