Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
