The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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