so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
