I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
