where am i from again
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
