Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
