How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
