one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
