He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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