I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
