my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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