My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We're too hungover to prance.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
