your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
