I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
