the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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