Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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