I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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