I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
