just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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