I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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