Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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