Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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