Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
