it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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