1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
