Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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