So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
