I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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