seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
