I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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