I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
