If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
