And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
