you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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